Kahuna Matata
by Ya Boy Guzma
Summary: Professor Kukui had a bright idea and made a Pokemon League from scratch. Brilliant! But when you've recruited two Kahunas to be Elite Four members, what kind of fool doesn't appoint a replacement? Comedy, featuring Akala Island Captains Lana, Kiawe and Mallow.


**A/N- Greetings all, it's ya boy. I couldn't resist that title, y'know?**

 **I decided to try and put my confusion about the Alolan Elite Four and the Kahuna situation into a fic, to procrastinate from revision and writing another short comic fic, and this came out as the result. I hope you enjoy!**

Unusually today the heat at the top of Wela Volcano Park wasn't as stifling as the heat on the way up; despite being home to an Island Challenge Trial Site, the Totem's Den was being cooled this particular day by a sea breeze blowing in from the north, just light enough to not disturb the volcanic ash too much but strong enough to make a difference where the temperature was concerned. However, while the crater wasn't too hot, the conversations were certainly getting heated...

The three Trial Captains of Akala Island had gathered for an emergency meeting. They always liked to meet up outside of their jobs as Captains; the three of them were very good friends. But the situation they were in meant they needed a meeting and fast. It wasn't perfect by any means.

Professor Kukui had approached the Captains and Kahunas six months ago with a bright idea. Since then, after Alola had been through a near-crisis with Ultra Wormholes and weird Beasts running across the land, and after a lot of building, the Pokemon League had finally been erected on Mount Lanakila. The first Pokemon League of Alola was finally here, and thanks to a recent victory over Kukui by a boy who had stormed the Island Challenge and befriended the Legendary Pokemon Solgaleo, finally had its first proper Champion. That wasn't the issue for the Captains. The issue was that along with Captain Acerola of Ula'ula Island, and Kahuna Hala from Melemele, their Kahuna, Olivia, had joined the Elite Four. Since this meant her team of Rock-types was now ridiculously over-levelled for the standard challengers of Akala Island, Olivia had stepped down as Kahuna. Most importantly, however, she had not yet appointed a successor. The Captains needed a Kahuna to follow as much as a Magikarp needs to evolve before it becomes useful in battle, and yet nobody had turned up in place of Olivia. They didn't know what to do...

Lana, the short Water-type specialist, with her blue hair and big eyes, was quiet as usual, but a little distant. Half watching Kiawe's Marowak do their distinctive dances, half listening to Mallow and Kiawe's frustrated discussion, she sighed, not really knowing what to say.

"But what are we gonna do?" the tall, green-haired Mallow asked, slamming herself down on the floor in an uncharacteristic huff; she was usually so much more chirpy, flirtatious and overall optimistic, but the news had spoiled her mood. "We don't know who our new Kahuna is, and it could be one of us! And if it is, we can't leave our Trials just like that! They took so much planning, and people are only just used to Olivia leaving, I can't imagine how they'd cope with a brand new Trial and Captain too!"

"Tapu Lele chose Olivia," Kiawe, the tall, muscly and brown haired boy, said. "She'll choose soon, I'm sure. Don't panic."

"But what if she chooses one of us, Kiawe? What then?"

"If she chooses one of us, we would have to become Kahuna. It's that simple."

"You know what I mean though," Mallow replied, shooting him a look as the three Marowak started dancing. "It's not that simple, because while she might choose us, if that happened you've got to make a whole new Trial from scratch! How easy do you think that is?"

The Marowak finished their dance.

"The one in the middle," Lana said, monotone. The Marowak looked startled, and began to dance again.

"It wouldn't be that hard," Kiawe said, rolling his brown eyes; sometimes he knew he was too serious, but other times he felt Mallow worried far too much about things. "Let's be honest, they're not exactly impossible tasks, are they? Finding ingredients and all?"

Mallow, usually mellow, looked affronted. "Oh so mine is the easy one, is it? Have you any idea how hard it is to find the right ingredients in the middle of Lush Jungle? It's a lot harder than playing spot-the-difference with fire sticks, Kiawe!"

"My Marowak practice the art of the ancient dances of Alola!" Kiawe shouted, pointing a finger angrily at Mallow. "We study routines passed down for generations! Don't you dare dismiss it as trivial!"

The Marowak finished their dance.

"Hiker," Lana said. "Hi, David."

"This ain't actually a trial, is it, Captain Kiawe? Only I left my Magmar to get healed, and I can't fight your young lady friend?"

Kiawe sighed, frustrated. "No, David, this is not a Trial. You're free to go."

The Hiker pumped his fist. "Score! I'll see ya tomorrow!"

Kiawe glared as his accomplice trotted off down the mountain whistling, as the Marowak started dancing, and turned back to Mallow. "Okay, that round is easy, I'll give you that. But do you understand how hard it is to try and teach a Hiker how to dance?"

"Not even a hula?" Mallow smirked. "See, you're showing exactly what I mean. Even if Tapu Lele turned round and picked you, Kiawe, with your part-time job at the Thrifty Megamart and your terrible sandals-"

"Hey!"

"They're not great!" Mallow said, sticking out her tongue, having seemed to have regained some of her usual chirpiness. "Anyway, if Tapu Lele chose you today, here and now, what would happen to the Trial? How do you think Hiker David would manage to convince people to watch dances when he's got two left feet?"

The Marowak finished their dance.

"Totem Pokemon," Lana said, yawning. "It's okay, Salazzle, I'm not here to fight."

The reptilian Poison/Fire type, stood with her hands in the air, put her hands on its hips and tutted before stomping off, the ally Salandit following their Totem faithfully.

Lana turned to the other two. "See, there's two more issues right there too."

Mallow smiled. "I knew you understood."

Lana nodded. "Firstly, take Salazzle. You've spent ages training her to be just the right level of strong. So have I with Wishiwashi, and Mallow with Lurantis. If our Trial goes to make way for one of us being Captain, we'd probably need a whole new Totem Pokemon. That's not easy to train."

"Unless Salazzle would listen to David?" Mallow asked Kiawe.

Kiawe laughed. "She only ever listens to me sometimes, she's a very difficult lady to train. You make a good point, Lana. What's the second issue?"

"If one of us becomes Kahuna, where do you put the replacement trial? Nobody's going into Brooklet Hill if I go, or the Jungle if Mallow goes; nobody knows those places better than us."

"And while you might have David here..." Mallow took the moment to actually imagine the Hiker in charge of a Trial, and decided it was not a funny thought, "you know this place best! Which means you'd need somewhere new for a trial, and where can you put on?"

"Paniola Ranch?" Kiawe suggested.

"Tauros and Miltank are both Normal type, and we all know that's Ilima's territory," Lana said, twirling her sandal in the volcanic ash.

"And if you think I'm letting someone else do a cooking trial with Moomoo Milk..." Mallow started.

"Not my suggestion," Kiawe said quickly. "Well, that leaves us with Memorial Hill, Royal Avenue and the Beach."

"Memorial Hill would have to be Ghosts," Mallow said, standing up and stretching, "which steps on Acerola's toes."

"She's Elite Four too though, now?" Kiawe asked, frowning.

"I think Kukui intends Molayne to take over with Mimikyu for now," Lana replied. "Not the perfect fit, but Tapu Bulu seems to like Molayne, and Nanu doesn't mind. So yes, the Ghost trial is still a thing."

Kiawe paused. "Okay, and the Beach is out because..."

Lana looked at him blankly. "I'm not allowing another Water type Trial ever. Obviously."

"But if you become Kahuna, Wishiwashi could..." Kiawe stopped when he saw the look on Lana's face. "Okay, bad idea putting that thing close to a busy beach. Maybe not."

"Then that leaves Royal Avenue! Right, cousins?"

Mallow perked up from her thoughtfulness on hearing that voice, and turned to the newcomer. "Professor Kukui! How's our new Champion?"

The heat of the Volcano Park wasn't getting to the Professor, whose normal attitude of going to everything with an open shirt meant he barely had a sweat on at the top of the mountain. "Hello Captains! Sun looks in shape and ready to do the business, I tell you!"

"I'm glad he's settled in," Lana said, smiling. "He really deserves it."

"Of course he does! That boy's put in a lot of work, Rotom tells me! And he saved the world, after all." Kukui sat himself down on a rock. "I heard you three talking about the new Kahuna?"

Kiawe nodded, even more serious around Kukui. "Has Tapu Lele chosen anyone yet? We're all worried about our Trials."

Kukui slapped him on the back happily; to Kiawe's credit, he didn't flinch. "Don't you worry, cousin! Tapu Lele hasn't chosen anyone, yet, but I figured you three would be worried without Olivia kicking around. So I'm going to offer you guys a little secret, okay?"

"A secret?" Lana asked, confused.

"Yeah! You see-" Kukui pulled something colourful out of his coat pocket for a second. "I in fact lead a double life as the Masked Royal! You know, the guy from the Battle Royales? That's me! But don't tell anyone, okay?"

Mallow snorted with laughter. "Really?"

Kukui looked puzzled. "What?"

"Did you really think we hadn't guessed that? It's been so obvious for so long!"

Kukui looked down for a moment. "Aw damn." After a moment he smiled, and laughed. "Well look, I am the Masked Royal, even if that's apparently obvious! And although I'm not an Akala native, the Masked Royal is! So I'm going to volunteer myself as the Royal to Tapu Lele tomorrow!"

"Interesting," Kiawe said. "You don't specialise in a type, am I right in saying that?"

"I don't think you can call yourself a type specialist with so many different Pokemon," Lana agreed. "And I don't think your team of level sixties you faced Sun with is exactly the sort of thing the Akala Island Kahuna needs."

"Oh don't worry, I won't go too hard on the competition!" Kukui said. "It'll be a Battle Royal to qualify, against three type specialist trainers- if you three don't want to do it, I'll get three Trainers to match your types!"

"We'll do that," Lana said, quite quickly, causing Kukui and Mallow to raise their eyebrow. "I am the only Water-type specialist round here, and that's final."

"Fair enough!" Kukui laughed. "After that, it's a straight battle against me and three Pokemon- Dartrix, Brionne and Torracat!"

"Clever," Kiawe said, smiling. "Evolved forms of the starters you and Hala give away. I like it."

"Thank you! I'm hopeful Tapu Lele likes it too! If not, I can always step in as a Trial Captain if she prefers one of you!"

"I think you stand a good chance of being Captain!" Mallow said, smiling. "And I'm sure we all agree that we'd be happy to have you as Captain if one of us were chosen instead, right?"

"So after this," Lana asked, nodding along with Kiawe, "it'll all be sorted? A little confusion now, but Melemele will be the last ones to figure it out and then it's all fine?"

Kukui laughed. "Actually, Tapu Koko was very quick to choose a new Kahuna to replace Hala. I was impressed!"

"They already have a Kahuna?" Mallow gasped.

"Oh yeah! I should probably go check and see how he's doing, actually! I think he's quite glad to get the chance to do it!"

"But who?" Kiawe asked, puzzled. "Who did Tapu Koko approve of so quickly to replace old Hala?"

 **(***)**

"Go, Yungoos!"

Youngster Tristan's cry echoed out across the Iki Town podium as the Loitering Pokemon emerged from its Poke Ball with a cry. The crowd applauded, looking forward to seeing their new Kahuna welcome this challenger with open arms and give him a good fight to please Tapu Koko...

"Wanna see what destruction looks like, kid?"

The crowd gasped, as their new Kahuna stood up from his crouch and turned to look at the Youngster, now quivering and confused. "Huh?"

The white haired man's grin was huge. "Here it is in human form, kid. It's your boy! Let's get him, Golisopod!"

"GUZMA!"

Guzma stopped short of throwing his Ultra Ball towards the Yungoos and frowned. "What's wrong, Kukui?"

The breathless Professor, who had arrived in Iki Town to check on his newest companin, panted to a halt, having just sprinted the length of the town. "You can't set Golisopod on new Trainers, we've been through this! Tapu Koko expects you to give everyone a fair chance!"

"Come on, I just wanted to leave a good First Impression!"

"Guzma, that's not funny and you know it! You can use Golisopod if you want to challenge Sun, but not here, remember?"

Guzma tutted, dropping his sunglasses over his eyes. "Can't I just mess with the kid a little?"

"Guzma..."

"Fine!" Guzma put Golisopod's Ball away and reached for another Ball. "You do all know Tapu Koko chose me, right? You ready, kid?"

Youngster Tristan nodded, having got over the fear of the man in front of him (mostly). "Yeah, let's go!"

Guzma grinned, throwing the Ball. "Alright Spinarak, do me proud! Big bad Guzma is here!"

As the crowd cheered (and some of them sighed in relief that their new Kahuna hadn't gone completely mad), Kukui sighed; he had appreciated Tapu Koko choosing Guzma, a chance of redemption for the former Team Skull boss, but Guzma could get carried away very easily. Suddenly he gasped as he felt a jolt of electricity up his spine and a whoosh of air from behind him. But there was one thing left over, carried on the air, as the Pokemon flew past at lightning speeds. There was one unmistakable sound Kukui heard which made him smile and realise the fickle guardian deity had made the right choice...

Guzma had made Tapu Koko laugh.

 **(A/N)- Well there you have it folks. Thanks for reading, y'all.**

 **Any favourites are greatly appreciated, as are any reviews; I obviously don't take kindly to flaming, but positive reinforcement or constructive criticism, I'm grateful either way.**

 **Ya boy, out.**


End file.
